So, I have this issue. It's a common issue...one that plagues most, if not every, parent at some point in our journey to raising brilliantly awesome kids. It's the issue of guilt. Guilt by any measure is unavoidable. I have guilt when I eat past dinner time and then polish off the halloween candy I happed upon. I have guilt that I haven't exercised since the first week of January. I feel guilty for not calling friends when I know I should but just don't find the time or energy. Guilt can be a motivator for good things....right now I am drawing a blank, but I am sure there are pro's to it....hmmmmm.
I felt a lot guilt when my marriage failed. And then the enormous guilt of having to send Luci to daycare and have the kids grow up and get themselves to the bus. That guilt has worn off to a healthier degree. I tried everything I could to make my marriage work. Luci is growing leaps and bounds and enjoys playing with kids and learning all day. And Kamrin and Mikka have grown 2 inches taller just from being more responsible for themselves.
Single mom-dom means having to feel the brunt of different guilt. A couple of weeks ago Mikka complained of an ear ache and that she didn't feel good. I was in a rush in the morning - having to get Luci and I out the door to daycare and work. I told her she was fine. She is a living embodiment of the story "The Boy Who Called Wolf", so I ignored the glazed eyes and warm forehead and told her she was fine and that she would have to go to school. I simply didn't believe the poor kid. A few hours later I get a call from the school that she is in the sick room and needing to be picked up. I felt SO GUILTY. I didn't believe the little twerp. Her Dad had to go get her as I was at work, and I had rocks in my stomach for the remainder of the day, thinking what a lousy parent I was. We ended up on antibiotics for an ear infection just to make me feel worse.
But wait, it gets better....
A couple of days ago Mikka woke up in the night with a sore ear. "You'll be ok Mikka", I say. "It's just the start of another ear infection - we'll have to wait a couple of days before a Dr. will do anything.". She listens and contiues to cry. She even yelped a few times...I started to panic deep down wondering what I was going to do as Kamrin wasn't home to babysit if I needed to take her to the ER. I settled her down with Tylenol and put her in my bed. She went to sleep and I thought nothing of it. The next day I sent her to Auntie Angela's as it was a snow day. When I came home to pick the kids up, Ang told me Mikka had blood in her ear. Her eardrum had burst sometime the night before...the night I told her to not overreact!!! My soul was drenched with guilt. At least the Dr. and Ang were understanding of it all. But I felt like I let my poor kid down again.
Guilt. It can be used for good or it can be used for bad. It can be a motivator and destabilizer. I am learning that it's ok to have some, but not ok to let it ruin my day and feel like a terrible mom. I have messed up. I know I'll mess up again and probably sooner than later!
I have a hard time believing I am ok. I struggle with the acceptance that I can do things. This, in return, halts me from branching out and doing some things that would challenge me and possibly make me more of a well-rounded and confident person. I have confidence. I know I am a good mom (most days). I know I am a patient and kind wife (again, most days). But still, I lack in believing in myself. Years ago I decided to do something for myself and enrolled in the night course at Humber College to do Interior Design. I LOVED being back at school. I was scared silly - but was so glad to be sitting in the back of a class room with my pen and paper in hand - ready to tackle hues, colours and shades! I had a great year and did really well. However, I went and got pregnant and had to quit school. Doh! I was good at the design thing....but deep down was probably happy to have to resign as my next course was drafting and th...
I'm so grateful that you wrote this. Kathlyn is three, and I feel like we're just starting to get the the hard part. Anyway, I appreciate your candor and thoughts. I needed that. :)
ReplyDeleteLove you. Hope your sweet little girl feels better soon.
All the best,
Sharon