MarMar Madness

The other day I was mowing the lawn.  The grass was green and lush and needing some serious attention.  As I mowed, I came to the realization that there were no little shits to pick up.  There was no little shitter to leave her gifts of fertilizer in my yard and my heart ached.  Not that I miss picking up dog poo, but I sure do miss my beautiful Charlie.  Charlie had to be put down this summer when her hips finally decided that working just wasn't an option any more.  She was also going blind and deaf and was turning sweetly loopy sometimes. Charlie was my first born. My baby.  She was my introduction to mommy-hood.  I adored this dog.  And she, in turn, adored me.  My sister and I were talking about Charlie the other day and how the whole event of putting her down went and figured I should document the story.  So...here is my story of my dogs last moments with me..... Charlie couldn't go the washroom.  She couldn't walk or...

You ever have a day when you are at the end of it and you just have to pinch yourself?  A day where you promised yourself to have no expectations and that was the healthiest thing you ever did?  I am the queen of expectations.  I have them in all facets of my life.  I put expectations on people, on things, on ovens, on schools, on hair, on weight, you name it....my thinking is often laced with expectations and they truly are my worst enemy. I used to have great expectations of my brother.  I have great expectations of my sister and friends.  They often come through for me, but there are times when I am let down.  And when I say let down, I am sometimes just crushed with the failure of it all.  My sister, Kara, has been my biggest coach in the "have no expectations" camp.  She has drilled this motto into me for years as she has seen me struggle with constantly being hurt when things didn't go my way, especially in relationships or events. ...

I love dreams.  Dreams - the ones you have when you're sleeping...not the ones you think of when you're stuck in traffic, the sun beating down on you, your air conditioner isn't working and you just want to be anywhere but there.  I like the ones I can remember and have a chuckle at.  I still remember one I had in grade one that included Chris Adams and Jamie Bateman, a prison, black and white striped uniforms and Frankenstein.  Don't know why that one always stuck with me, but well, it always has.  I wish I remembered more of my dreams.  The good ones.  The ones that I wake up smiling to.  I don't know why we have them, but I know they are significant to us, these dreams. For the past 15 years I have had a dream. It's not been a nice one and it varies - however, it always involves an airplane and fear.  It goes something like this.  I am on the jet plane with a whole schwack of other passengers. The plane either has engine failure, lan...

This morning I was putting away things....I am always putting away things...but this morning the things included a couple of photo albums the girls had out.  The photos were those of my trip to Qatar in 06.  It was an adventure my sister and brother in law brought me out on after being severly ill for months with pneumonia.  In order to get better, they gave me a trip to look forward to.  It was a light at the end of a long, dark, sick tunnel and was a trip of a lifetime.  As I looked through the pictures of the fun things we did and saw, I found a picture of Kara, Todd and I in the desert, the day we went 'duning'.  And I was reminded of a wonderful story and figured, it was good enough to share.... Kara and Todd took me to the desert - it wasn't far away - heck, they live in it.  However, this was the fun desert where all the adventure seekers spent some time driving around at warp speed over mounds of sand.  I was pumped beyond belief to do t...

We all like, need, want, crave to some effect, to be touched.  I love being touched....hold my hand, rub my back, kick my ass...whatever, I'll take it!  Being a mom to 3 beautiful wee girls, touching happens a lot at our house.  I have created touchy children.  It's a way for me to communicate how much I love them.  Every night I "tickle" their backs.  My mum used to do that for me every night.  Kamrin has graduated to wanting back rubs....I do them but often leave her feeling jealous cause I didn't get one back! :)  My family grew up as non-kissers.  However, I have made an effort to break that and love to get and give little kisses to my girls.  I have also learned to kiss other family and friends - and have perfected the 'double' kiss that involves air kissing each cheek.  I always' feel very posh when I pull that one out of my repetoire.  I love holding hands and know the day will come that the girls won't be as cool w...

I was recently sitting on my new couch, deep in thought, surveiling my past year and the journey I have been on.  The house has tape on the walls in preparation for the paint I have to muster up the courage to put up, the carpets have been measured to be replaced, the furniture has been shifted to new alignments , I have nice new light fixtures hanging in the house making me happy each time I flick on a switch and then I can see into the kitchen...a work in progress...but coming along with my red and white...All these changes have happened and I am so happy as I do enjoy the esthetics of my surroundings and am affected by them.  These changes, however, have only come about due to the changes that have occured this past year. A chain effect that doesn't seem to have an end in sight - and it's all good. Last March I was 10 lbs thinner with a much better ass and was escaping to the gym constantly.  I was very sad in my marriage and wondered what my future was...

So, I have this issue. It's a common issue...one that plagues most, if not every, parent at some point in our journey to raising brilliantly awesome kids.  It's the issue of guilt.  Guilt by any measure is unavoidable.  I have guilt when I eat past dinner time and then polish off the halloween candy I happed upon. I have guilt that I haven't exercised since the first week of January.  I feel guilty for not calling friends when I know I should but just don't find the time or energy.  Guilt can be a motivator for good things....right now I am drawing a blank, but I am sure there are pro's to it....hmmmmm. I felt a lot guilt when my marriage failed.  And then the enormous guilt of having to send Luci to daycare and have the kids grow up and get themselves to the bus.  That guilt has worn off to a healthier degree.  I tried everything I could to make my marriage work.  Luci is growing leaps and bounds and enjoys playing with kids and learni...

Plans.  I love plans.  I make them all the time. I like to call ahead, make arrangements and see them followed through.  I used to get all ruffled if things didn't go as planned. I would get upset and even pout - yes, can you believe it -I would pout, if things didn't go as planned.  But life has a funny way of beating some things out of you.  Planning has been punched around quite a fair bit for me of late, and as I get older, I won't say more mature, cause well, you know...I have learned to chillax a bit.  To let things slide.  To not get so uptight about plans not working. I planned on being married to one person for my whole life.  That didn't happen as we are now separated.  I planned on having the nice house with the volvo wagon in the driveway and a pretty garden. That hasn't worked out for me.  I live in "Bramladesh" in a suburb that allows me to see what my neighbour is eating for breakfast.  I planned on having...