So - I just packed up Kamrin and Mikka and kissed them goodbye and sent them on their way to the bus alone. This is their new thing. Kamrin is in charge of walking across the light at the busy intersection and I know she is very diligent and attentive - so I know they are safe. However, I still get stressed out about letting them go. Heck, when I was a couple of years younger than Kamrin I was out riding my bike from our house in White Rock to my best friend, Alison's, 10 Km away! I have to remind myself that I need to let my kids spread their wings - I can't just keep them close to my side, safe and secure, at all times. But in the chaos of the morning I sent them off about 5 minutes too soon. Now I am stressing out that they'll be warm enough. Ugh. Luci is still sleeping. The house is quiet. I have laundry to do and loads of errands to run. But it's the weird silence - that which comes after having the kids home from a holiday, that really gets me. I love having my kids home with me. I can't wait for breaks and holidays. They make the house smell good, come alive, create noise and activity...they give a home life. So when I kiss them on their heads, tell them I love them and watch them venture out on their own to the bus stop, it's hard not to cry. I haven't cried yet, but am sure I will at some point today when I'll wish one of them was here to share something with or show something to. Thank goodness for Luci. She is my noise maker and attention distracter. She is why I stay at home. Some days I think I should just have another baby so I can stay home with them and keep the house full. Then I SLAP myself into reality and know that that is NOT the answer! (chillax Kara!) Don't get me wrong. I do love the quiet. I love the fact that my house will stay tidy for a bit longer during the day, that there aren't quarrels to contain, that I don't have to constantly explain the logic of chewing with ones mouth closed....but I sure do miss those little brats after they've been home for a lovely relaxing "stay-cation" and are back to face their day at school. Man, I love my kids.
I have a hard time believing I am ok. I struggle with the acceptance that I can do things. This, in return, halts me from branching out and doing some things that would challenge me and possibly make me more of a well-rounded and confident person. I have confidence. I know I am a good mom (most days). I know I am a patient and kind wife (again, most days). But still, I lack in believing in myself. Years ago I decided to do something for myself and enrolled in the night course at Humber College to do Interior Design. I LOVED being back at school. I was scared silly - but was so glad to be sitting in the back of a class room with my pen and paper in hand - ready to tackle hues, colours and shades! I had a great year and did really well. However, I went and got pregnant and had to quit school. Doh! I was good at the design thing....but deep down was probably happy to have to resign as my next course was drafting and th...
your kids are the lucky ones. and for the record, i wasn't stressed. x
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